This Month’s True Life Story is an excerpt from Fighting Monsters. Enjoy!
Listening to the drumbeats of life,
Trying to make sense of its puzzling sounds,
Leaves me with awkward steps and sighs:
What makes sense holds no sense at all!
I seem insane but I’m only trying to dance
Tunes that life is beating in my head.
No, don’t stare at me, I’m not losing it.
I’m only trying to catch what’s thrown at me!
Gawk at life instead and not at me
For I am only trying to make sense
Of things that don’t seem to hold any sense.
Then I sit back, drown out all the clamors of doom,
Tune to the frequency of that still small voice within,
Raising the volume, let it blare into my bare soul,
And the serene face of Grace unfolds
From clouds of confusion and complication;
Silent whispers of peace caressing my soul
With comfort that lures me to rest in His care,
Stirring me to smile, to laugh, as I find
Sense and stability, not in transient experiences
But in the wisdom of those ancient Words
That makes me dance in sync with His Spirit,
Irrespective of drumbeats that make no sense.
One of the key triggers for monsters is loss. It could be justified or unjustified loss. It ranges from loss of loved ones, means of livelihood, health, status, properties, and whatever else you can think of. Loss takes away something that we consider essential and the vacuum left behind has to be filled. In our state of hollowness, monsters compete for occupation. Even though the grace and comfort of God may seem beyond our reach, they are there waiting for our acceptance. But not so with the monsters!
Monsters get in our faces, vying for attention. They are clamoring for which of them will get in first and be the lord over the rest. The vulnerability generated by losses makes it difficult to stand and do what is needful at such times: fight back. We feel deprived, denied, diminished, and devalued. The more we consider the consequences of our loss, the tendency to panic increases and in a freaked-out state, some do the absurd. There is also the other tendency to withdraw; shun everyone and everything and wallow in the hollowness of what we need but can’t have at that time.
That was where I found myself the day I wrote this poem. I had just received the news that my beloved dad, who I was hoping to visit, had passed on. The news killed something in me and I totally shut down. I didn’t want anybody to know and I didn’t want those who knew to come close. I wanted to be left alone. My sister, knowing I wouldn’t say a word to anyone about it, called and informed a friend. My family didn’t want me to be alone at such a time, especially considering that I was very close to my dad. When my friend called to say she was on her way to my house with her husband, I asked, “What for?” I made them turn and go back. I didn’t need to be comforted. What I needed was to be left alone.
Mind you, I was not trying to analyze or to understand what had happened. I just didn’t want to think or feel or be made to face what I dreaded, which was life without my dad. I wanted the world and everyone else to stay there, right where they were when my dad took his exit and never move beyond that point. That was where I pitched my tent and would not be moved.
While we made plans for his funeral, I felt nothing. Or maybe I felt like some mechanical device that had to keep operating no matter what. I was not praying because I didn’t want to talk to God or anyone else for that matter. I neglected my life-long bible study and quiet times because I didn’t think there was anything that I wanted to hear or know. And guess what? I was the same person to everyone else around. I still went to work, went to church, and even sang in the choir. People who had no clue could not tell that I was not the same anymore. Nobody noticed that like Lot’s wife, I had turned into a pillar. Perhaps, that was because grace kept the pillar that I had become mobile and active. Yes, I was active outside but inside, I was a dead log.
How long do you think a living being, especially one who has tasted real life, can survive in that mode? Such states don’t last. Neither did mine. It felt like only my mind was shut but truth was that my body was eventually worn down. I was afflicted because my state of mind had opened the door for strangers to come in and thrive. I learned an unforgettable lesson that period: nothing in life is static.
If you are not growing, you are dying – that is what living is about. Life is not about stillness irrespective of the causes. We can choose to stand on a spot but that doesn’t mean that life sympathizes and ceases its motions. No. life is duty bound – to keep moving. Life does not cease because your world comes to a halt for whatever reasons. Guess why? The world is not about you. It existed before you and long after you are gone, it will continue to exist. The mere fact that you are out doesn’t mean everyone else is. The planet has to keep rotating so that those who are willing can progress with their lives. That is the bitter reality.
Life is about motion, constant motion, forward or backward. You and I can choose to be still but the world is not still. The earth is not still. Life continues, whether we like it, feel it, or not. While I had my reasons to be where I was, the enemy could not care less. All he targets is an opportunity. At that point in my life, he found lots and hurray! The rest is history.
It was not until I was totally crushed and my health was stolen that my stone heart cried out for life. We often take what we have for granted until we lose it. I pray that will not be your case. Ignorance is no excuse. If you value what you have, you have to fight to protect it otherwise it will be stolen from you. The meaning of an enemy is someone who strikes when your guards are down and he strikes to kill because he is not sure he will get another chance.
The times we live in are so precarious that it is so easy to slip. It is easy to fall off or be swallowed by the enormity of calamities, aimed at contradicting God’s Words and promises for the purpose of eliminating us. When we listen to the drumbeats of life, confusion, frustration, and hopeless tunes are all we will hear from the holes where we have been carted and bound by the enemy of our souls. What a pity, what a life! Yet, when we learn to knock out the clamors of those high sounding senselessness, and listen to the still, small voice in our hearts, wisdom pours like rain, refreshing, reviving, restoring, no matter what is at stake.
Scripture
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5: 6-11.
Prayer
Dear Lord, help me to understand at every point in time, that You will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can bear. And no matter how unbearable my circumstances may seem at the time, keep me mindful that You have made a way out for me. Help me find that way of escape and to make the most of it, amen.
For more strategies on fighting the battles of your life, order your copy of Fighting Monsters now! http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Monsters-Inside-Depression-Learn-ebook/dp/B00YLGOYSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1433152221&sr=1-1&keywords=fighting+monsters
Blessings on your week.
Glory!