I am supposed to be an adult yet every day,
I see myself go the way of a child
I have been fed and bred to live well
Yet again and again, I find myself falling short
I have desired to live my age, in sincere maturity
Nevertheless my childish ways seem reluctant
To finally issue my discharge certificate.
I have tried so hard and failed almost as much
As my trials but in the face of all my failures,
Two things I have resolved for as long as I live;
No matter what – I will always be kind to me,
Irrespective of all – I will never give up on me.
Life is full of challenges, a lot of which we often need help to get through. For those giant mountains I can’t climb alone, I go as far as I can, the best I can, and no matter the outcomes, I find my peace in the fact that I did the best I could. However, there are those issues that emerge every once in a while which we can comfortably deal with. Then ignorantly or erroneously, I miss such opportunities – those are the sorest points in my life.
I beat up myself so bad; how could I have forgotten such a sensitive thing? How could I have missed such an opportunity? How can I mess up the chance that I could have used to thrive, the very one that I am good at? It’s like allowing men on foot to beat you and take over grounds that would have been an advantage to battle forthcoming men on horses. To me, those are very painful moments as remorse jams with regrets and discouragement pushes toward despair.
It is worse when I can find no justifiable excuse for giving up or losing true grounds, choice grounds, cheap grounds that I would have easily gained. The feeling is compounded when it appears that every ground I have gained in that area has been through fierce battles, only to cheaply lose one that I won or could have easily acquired.
Long before now, I would shut off that part of my life and move on like it never happened. Down the years, I learned that is not the way to deal with such because they build up and eventually explode in your face, the outcome more terrifying that having to face and deal with them individually. So I am learning to face ugly mistakes I hate to stand so I can get over them for good and truly move on without leftovers that hunt and hurt over time.
Different people have different ways of dealing with such. For some, they want to share it with listening ears and caring hearts, for others, they want to take it before the Lord and leave it there. I am learning that there is no ideal formula to the issues of life. We have to learn to be sensitive to the nature of the varying situations so we can deal due wisdom to each. This morning, I woke up to realize that my forgetfulness has cost my an opportunity that I have waited for a lifetime. An opportunity I have gone out of my way several times to seek and couldn’t find. It eventually came pre-packaged for me. It came to me and in the midst of all I was dealing with, I recognized it not and by the time I did, it was too late.
It is not the first time I have recorded such, probably won’t be the last. Looking back, I have dealt with each in different ways; by ways of denial, avoidance, diminishing it, mourning, repentance, regret, among others. The end result of each was a function of my preferred approach. Today, as the loss dawned on me, I chose to face it; I missed it! I allowed myself to feel bad, very bad! I turned to God to help me, there is no guarantee it won’t happen again; forgetfulness is a battle I guess I will be fighting for the rest of my life.
Like my sister once said, “Don’t beat up yourself so hard Gee. You can’t be perfect in everything, in every way. There has to be something you need God’s grace for. Identify it and trust Him to help you, and through it all, you owe yourself kindness: don’t be stingy about it.” That counsel, given years ago came through as I struggled with remorse and regret. Despite the ill feeling welling at the pit of my stomach, I chose to be kind to myself. Not because I want to make excuses for my failure which is already admitted. I acknowledged that I have been through a lot lately; that I am juggling a lot that I can’t afford to let drop right now because I missed one and I am discouraged; that I am human and subject to error; that I need God to overcome my forgetfulness; that I have hope that God will make another way for me; and that even if He didn’t I will have to live with it.
We are often too hard on ourselves, finding it easier to forgive and release others from errors than we would ourselves. Even in this, we must learn to be fair. Not making room for laxity in and of ourselves, yet not crushing ourselves to death by our shortcomings. Weakness identified speaks hope because it reveals where we truly need help. The revelation or realization of our weaknesses is not to crush and kill us. Instead, it is so that we can open our hearts and eyes to Him who can heal and to those He brings our ways to help us overcome or manage them. Not loving and giving others more than we love and give ourselves. God’s command is that we love others like we love ourselves. And as we learn to love and give more to others, we shouldn’t strive for less toward ourselves.
I don’t know what your own private challenge is or what internal battles you are fighting right now. Whatever that is, let the words of my sister encourage you to extend the same love and kindness that you would offer another in similar condition to yourself, ““Don’t beat up yourself so hard . . . (insert your name.) You can’t be perfect in everything, in every way. There has to be something you need God’s grace for. Identify it and trust Him to help you, and through it all, you owe yourself kindness: don’t be stingy about it.” Peace!
Glory!