I opened my eyes this morning but like
A blanket, shame threw its covers over me.
This is not a war with some enemies,
Known or unknown; it’s not a battle
Of me against the world: this is me versus I;
I am the founder of my failure,
I am master of my misery,
And saboteur to my own best efforts;
I am the reason why I am where I am today
Despite all my labor; I could have been better,
I could have been best if not for I crippling me.

I thought the issue about my mistake was settled the day my forgetfulness dawned on me but I was far from truth. I woke up the next morning weighed down by the losses I must have caused myself, smeared by the shame that I could do such to myself. It was that serious. It is not every day that life changing opportunities come your way and whenever such comes, you want to make the most of it. At least, you want to give it your best shot and then content yourself on the fact that you did all you could. My anguish stemmed from the fact that I missed what I had waited for so long!

I cannot blame the timing, I cannot blame the delivery. It was impossible to peddle blame in this case because it dropped into my lap. I should have checked it. I should have grabbed it. The least I should have done was give it all I got and it would have been well worth it irrespective of the end result. But I was overwhelmed; I was edgy, fussy, and very weary. I set it aside for later and never got back to it. By the time I thought I was freed enough to take a good look, it dawned; that was the opportunity, and now is too late.

Why am I rehashing this same issue especially if I truly want to get over it? It is because it has happened to me before in another field. And if I don’t learn my lessons, it could happen again. It is also because I have seen too many make the same mistakes I have made and not even realize what had happened. Does being aware make me any better than the ignorant who has no clue of their losses? I don’t think so. Much as I don’t want to wear the shoes of ignorance atop stockings of laxity, forgetfulness, or whatever you may choose to call it, I want to learn. Though awareness brings with it grief and regret as the magnitude of the loss dawns, yet I’d rather be aware and learn than continue in ignorance while history repeats.

Those who refuse to learn repeat unpleasant histories and I don’t want to be one. That is the consolation I find in my grief; that I am learning, hopefully. It also puts me in a position where I am in need of God’s comfort and dipped in His consolation; I rediscover the peace I lost to my error. Peace that rises above the understanding of my losses; assuring my heart with hope that is true and eternal; realigning my eyes to things that honestly matter; so I don’t complicate the present and mess up the future because of a past I cannot change.

Yes, my mistakes have opened me up to God’s comfort and being a recipient has helped to enjoy serenity that comes from a source beyond me and my performance. Being a recipient of God’s comfort has taught me to reach out to the grieving with the same forgiveness and reassurance with which my Father quiets my soul in distress. Being a recipient of God’s comfort has taught me to honor people despite their shortfalls because they are sincere people like me who miss it every once in a while. Being a recipient of God’s comfort has taught me to be sensitive when people honestly make a mess or harshly beat up themselves because I was once like them, I am still like them, and will continue to be like them until the day Abba totally redeems me to Himself. Until then, I will keep trying, I will keep learning, and I hope to keep helping those who like me, still miss it every once in a while. I hope that sharing my discomfort, you will realize that you are not alone, and therein find comfort in your distress.

Glory!