Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3: 12-14. David said I’ve been young and now I’m old, yet I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread. My life has been full of ups despite downturns. It’s been 27 years since I was last taken into a hospital except for times I went in by myself for checks or to address a concern but that is not my story today.
This story, inspired by the above accidentally taken picture relates how the death of 2 dearly loved ones changed my life. I couldn’t deal with the unbearable losses so I never faced or discussed it. My way of addressing overwhelming situations is to run away from it. I, once a strong and confident ‘overachiever’ turned a fearful creature that ran and hid from opportunities I once dared and pursued. I used distance to protect myself from facing the dreadful losses, inescapable feelings of fear, distrust and vulnerability. I couldn’t shirk the grief I wouldn’t accept.
I don’t bother anyone with my issues: I look to God only. I recall one time I was refusing help that was being offered because I was looking to God, Gord shared a strange story; a family, drowning because their house was flooded prayed to God to save them. A man came with an inflated raft, but they refused because they were waiting for God to come save them. The water got to the first floor and the fire department came with a lifeboat but they refused for the same reason. They were forced to go up on the roof as the water ascended and a rescue helicopter came but they refused again. They eventually drowned, went to heaven and turned to God, “We were waiting for You to come save us but You didn’t.” God responded, “I sent the raft, I sent the boat and I sent the helicopter all of which you refused, how else was I supposed to save you?” Even when we hide our pains from everyone else, God knows. Our faithful Father will find ways to reach us but we must be willing to accept His help.
I’m not sure how God revealed my unspoken grief to Patti and she encouraged me to mourn. I tried, wrote books which was like therapy at the time but I was still far from recovery. In the course of my hiding and healing, I didn’t realize when I started inwardly reaching to be reached and would have ended up in traps except for God who without my asking, chose Patti and John and Gord and JoAnn to provide the safety and security I needed to totally shatter so my healing can begin, so I can grow fresh wings, and for nudging me out so I can learn to fly again. He used friends like Bill and Lane, Gus and Audrey, Kay (Adeboye), Shawn, Sabs, Ojay, Ko, Noel, Jeff among others to remind me who I was before the losses, to challenge me to get up and get out, to continue my relentless pursuit of intimacy with God in spite of ‘reasonable excuses’ to ‘chill out’ on Him. Thanks to y’all for bearing with me and loving me back to cheeriness.
The pain of losing loved ones never goes away: we’ll never forget them. There are people who are out to exploit our vulnerability at such times of whom we must beware. Yet, we must also learn to trust our brokenness and emptiness to God so we are sensitive to identify and let in those He brings for our healing and restoration. And despite discouragement and seeming signs of God failing us, to persist in faith, following as faithfully as we can through His processes, so we can grow through crippling losses until we can rise again and shine. I am learning to live that bitter truth, losing that overwhelming sense of fear and vulnerability as I lean into and enjoy the coverage of Christ and of loved ones He’s surrounded my life with.
Last quarter of every year is always a silent struggle but 2019 has been different and for that I am grateful. January of every year is a new beginning I kick off with waiting upon God. For 2019, all I wanted was all of God and nothing less, to live every moment in the fullness of His presence and grace. Unlike years past when I would go high and low, experience the fervent and lull, God allowed me to enjoy unwavering communion with Him through 2019. In 2020, I am not only ready to go deeper with my Abba, I am set to see and to celebrate His glory.
My prayer for everyone who is grieving is to let God get into those sore places we can’t allow another because only He is able to heal us back to wholeness and fullness of life. The enemy will exploit it to keep us down and grieving for the rest of our lives but Jesus comes to give us even a more abundant life: not to replace the lost but to displace fear, empower us to rise again, enable us to shine again. We need discernment to identify and steer clear of those who will attempt to make gains of our losses without shutting the door in the face of those God is bringing our way to deliver the very things we need to heal and thrive again.
No matter how long it’s been, that sense of loss will never go away. Life’s events, good and bad, will open doors to memories. Still as we look to the Lord who comforts us like no other ever could, He makes us not just comfortable but also gifted comforters for those going through where we’ve been. For everyone grieving, I don’t pray that you forget because it is okay for our loved ones to live, cherished forever in our hearts. I pray rather that you will be able to lift up your eyes to the Consolation of the afflicted, find in His face sufficient grace and strength to rise, take up your bed and walk away from enslaving grief. May the hope of Christ in us, that imperishable hope of seeing Him and our loved ones someday keep us standing and pushing against the undeniable vacuum and irreplaceable space that loss creates. May you not settle in the loss. May you never stop reaching forward. And may the enemy not use a temporary loss to steal the eternal hope of your calling in Christ.
If you are connected to someone who is grieving, don’t rush their recovery. Don’t grumble about their not getting over it because it takes years, even a lifetime for some. Healing is different for everybody. Those who appear strong find recovery even harder. Healing takes time especially where loss of life is involved. Don’t let the enemy use you to rip what is already broken. If you don’t know what to say or do, better leave them alone – that is way better and more appreciated than being the cause of more tears and fears. I learned that God uses those who walk with Him without their even realizing it, to minister to the unspoken needs that the broken and grieving are unable to utter. It is amazing to receive what we don’t recognize that we need and obviously didn’t ask for at the very points where we need them most. To my family and friends who have been there for me, knowingly and unknowingly, especially Sandie, Kaycee and PKay: I am thankful. And to all my readers, thank you for your love, support and encouragement: they are fuel that keeps me open to growing and receiving the inspiration only God provides. May you release the past so you can embrace the fullness of God’s glory for your own lives in 2020. Amen.
Love
Glory!