It’s so hot and I’m so hurt
Too hot to hold onto
Yet too hurt to let it go;
It was unexpected, unfair
It is touching, hurting
I can’t let it go that easy
Because I’m so badly hurt
But the longer I hold it
The deeper the heat gores
Yet how can I just let it go
And watch him go free
I took a hit recently from someone I’d helped so much. The disappointment hit me at a low time, in a delicate place. I said nothing but I was seething. My history has gone from the extreme of not talking about issues and venting through long hard walks to the other extreme of exploding when I eventually came round to expressing it. It has progressed as God draws me closer and teaches me not a style (acceptable or not) but to be sensitive to know how He would have me respond. Now, I like to just air it and get over it but that day, I sensed the Holy Spirit’s restraint so I disappeared from the scene. Yet, distance did not offset the upset. I said, “Lord, I’m just stepping out for now but I am definitely not letting this go. It has to be addressed.”
As I evaluated how far I had gone for this person and the baselessness of such action, it felt very reasonable to have that discussion. I planned the next course of action for addressing it and ensuring it does not repeat. The distance ticked through hours and turned to days and unknowingly, the heat began to recede. Then I forgot it. A reminder came through and the anger was refreshed but in the midst of activities, it was once again forgotten. I have learned that if we follow our feelings, we waste limited resources hitting and paying back or attempting to address something that is not going to change. However, when we follow God, our energy is engaged meaningfully and channeled to fruitful ends in spite of how and what we feel at the time.
Eventually, after many days, we met but all I sensed within toward this person was peace. The heat was gone, taking the hurt with it. The person didn’t change. The enormity of what happened didn’t change. Circumstances didn’t change but my disposition did and that made all the difference in our relations going forward.
The day of the meeting, I wasn’t acting or merely existing. I was consciously living and breathing compassion. Not making excuses for the error or trying to rubber-band the disappointment. I could see beyond the offense and its effects, I could see God’s purpose for this person and for the beautiful relationship God has blessed us with, I could remember the good times and all this person does for me in spite of that error that took place, I could see the table turned and I could have been the offender in need of mercy. It was a more matured Glory that received and returned the embrace of that meeting and many others thereafter, without offense and without defense.
After the first meeting, I went home and fell prostrate before the Lord, “You really know how to keep things together Lord. I could have messed this up for that? Looking back now, it was nothing really, nothing to blow out for.” And I could hear Him say to me, “I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take it and deal with it the way it should be. There are things you have to revisit but there are some you take with grace and move on.”
Anger compels us to keep returning to the offense and that hinders progress not just with the offender but for us who have been offended. It pays to heed the voice of God. It pays to obey the counsel of His Spirit and His Word. Our obedience to God’s command doesn’t make Him any more God than He already is or would ever be. His Godhood is eternally established and nothing we do or don’t can ever change that. We are the greatest beneficiaries of our own obedience. I left off that matter wishing, “If only I would obey God in everything . . . . “ If only we would obey God in everything, there will be nothing to look back at with regret.
Glory!